das_yubel | Event

I just don't know where it leaves me.

I'll admit that... I don't like the idea of that change, as I don't know where it leaves me. I don't know where I stand with all this.
Even though I knew that it was a possibility, I always assumed I'd just be fine as I am, as I've always been, that I'd just leave you both to it and just remain as Juudai's protector.

But I've been frustrated that things have been... boring... for me lately. I do not, for a second, have any regrets about being Juudai's protector, I NEVER will, but I feel I have no... place... in this part of Juudai's life. I've felt like I could only communicate with him physically at SAI and that I could not do that here and now, in the future, he may be spending more time... here.
I felt, maybe, I would no longer be able to communicate with him as much... because I am aware of your dislike of me, so I always just avoided you. Avoided talking with you. Just because I did not want to upset Juudai, by angering you with my presence.
Because a lot of the time *I* felt angry in your presence.

Then someone convinced me I should start trying to... talk... to the others in Juudai's life, in an effort to feel less... stagnated.

And you're the one I feel I don't know where I stand with the most.
And the one Juudai has wished for me to... talk to... the most.

So here I am.
Talking.

... Why do you feel angry in my presence.

Because it almost sounds like you're reacting like a cat.

Because I know you dislike me! Because I've seen you react negatively to even the mention of my name! Because I felt I had to avoid Juudai, while he is here at home, in order to avoid you!

And I'm nothing like that overweight furball!

*She gestures towards Pharaoh, who is prowling about nearby.*

Because it's frustrating...! I fell for him! But I have to deal with... the other woman? Dragon? Demon? Fallen Angel? ... God?

in his life.

That kind of fell apart there.

And I have to deal with the two of you playing happy families while I'm just cast to the side!

But I tolerated your existence, I tolerated it because I was trying to learn to accept the other things that made Juudai happy! I was trying to understand that being possessive over him hurt him... and that was a bad thing.
I was trying to learn all these things he began trying to teach me.

But I also tolerated it because you---!

*Yubel falters and stumbles with her words a little bit. She seemed frustrated with what she was going to say, so she lets out a grunt and simply sits down with frustration on a rock by the nearby pond in the courtyard. She looks away from Asuka as she does.*

-- because you are able to give him something I cannot.

I can give him protection, companionship, I am a part of him and we have a very close bond with one another.

But I can't give him a normal human relationship.

And I'm jealous you're a part of his soul. That you're always going to be a part of him. Because I'll never, ever be as intimate. Or as close. Or as special to him as you are. That I don't have this whole... thousand year karma. Love. Thing. Whatever you two have going on.

... That and I frankly feel like I don't belong in his life when I'm so... "normal".

::Looks to the side.::

*It's silent for a moment as Yubel lets Asuka's words sink in.
Then she laughs, but it's a pathetic small laugh, as she places her hand over her face in disbelief, shaking her head.*

So I'm jealous of you, because you can give him a normal relationship I can never hope to give him and you're jealous of me because you can't ever hope to have the strong soul bond I share with him.

::Thinks for a second before laughing, slapping her face.::

Isn't this "The grass looks greener on the other side"? Like as figuratively literal as we can get?

::Just kinda hysterically giggling.::

*Yubel lets out an amused grunt.*

I guess you are right about that.

*She pauses momentarily before continuing.*

Maybe we should be thankful for what we each bring to Juudai.
I can offer him protection and safety.
But you offer him stability and grounding.
Honestly, he'd probably be a wreck without us both.

Still... *She glances down at her reflection in the pond she's sat by.* ... I feel my purpose will be a little more... under-used, in the future.

And, why do you think that?

::It feels like a deep sense of tension may have been penetrated.::

I wish to protect Juudai for as long as he and I remain living, but, at least for now, he'll need to concentrate more on you and his... family.

What does his 'shield' do, when there maybe very little to protect him from?
Not that I particularly want him to be in danger either.

*She lets out a sigh.*

But I have stagnated. Found myself 'stuck in a rut' as it was proposed to me. Too used to the idea of simply being his life long protector and nothing more.
And up until now, I was too stubbon to make connections with anybody outside of him.

I can... understand... your feeling, when you said you felt you did not belong in Juudai's life because you felt too 'normal'.
As I feel I do not really belong in this more... domestic... side of Juudai's life.

I have never really known, or understood... family.

::Plops sitting on a part of the wooden floor under her, feet dangling.::

And family's always been hectic for me. My parents are kind of absent in my life, despite being there as the colossal wealth my family has makes them come off as unapproachable, even for their daughter born into money.

And much of my teenage years were spent with my older brother trying to convince me into well meant but ultimately harebrained schemes. And I was either an object of lust or an pedestal of admiration in school. As a result my relationships with other people are. Strained. To say the least. I don't know if I was ever a good girlfriend or I'm even a good wife to Judai.

There's an expression. "Faking it until you make it", and boy do I feel like a fake, if we're being honest to one another.

So... even though you were brought up within a family, you also do not really understand it, or the way it really is supposed to be.

Yet humans naturally are drawn to be in family groups, whether by blood or not.

I know that I was originally human, but, I do not remember much about that life before I volunteered to take on this form, so I do not remember if I had 'family'.
All I remember is my dedication to the Supreme King.

So... where does that leave us.

I. Suppose I don't have an issue with you being in our lives. But. I'd like to be important to him for as brief a time as I likely will be, as I currently have no interest in immortality.

::Kicking her feet slowly.::

And I do not really want to spend that time not having much purpose in Juudai's life.

If you do not have an issue with me being in your lives, maybe we will be able to find a... middle ground? Neutral ground?
But I am unsure... how.

... Yes. Something like that. And we start by. I guess.

Calling a truce. Though... Do you remember why you felt so dedicated to him?

In our past lives we had a strong friendship. I cared for him deeply. Possibly... in love with him.
We were both... young, but he was destined to become the Supreme King, as he held the power of the gentle darkness that was our only saviour against the Light of Destruction.
He needed a guardian to protect and watch over him until he grew up and was able to use and fully control that power... so I volunteered myself.
I wanted to protect him. I wanted to dedicate myself solely to him.

When he found out, he was upset. He wondered why I'd go through with such a thing, but...
... he then told me that he would love me forever.

I do not remember much else, but, those words were what drove me when I knew that his spirit would be re-incarnated and I searched for what seemed like forever for us to be together again.
Maybe this is why I became as possessive over him as I was, when we finally found each other again. All I knew was I wanted to protect him, from everything that hurt him. I wanted to protect him from everything that wasn't me.
I just wanted to be with him. I wanted to experience the love he had promised me.

... So the process of becoming what you are has made anything of the friendship, anything leading up to the act, hazy, at best? Hrm.

::Swinging her feet back and forth. Swing swing.::

More or less.

I mainly just remember him and my dedication to him... and why I chose to do what I did.
As long as he was protected, I did not care what I would become to ensure it.

I remember the procedure being painful... very painful, but I don't remember fully what it involved.

...

I think you need to build up a sense of self, if you want me to be perfectly honest. Being there for Judai is good.

But. That's all there is. What do you even like, Yubel? Hate? Want? Dream about? Besides seeming to have delighted in reality warping for a time back when Judai and I were in high school.

I. Think. You're terrified of me. Because you've been stripped of any sense of identity. Except "There for Judai". Whoever did this to you and how they did it really didn't think things through...

::Rubs her face.::

Excuse my rudeness.

*It honestly looked like Yubel was going to argue back for a moment, but she stops long enough to consider what Asuka just said.
Her face gradually changes from angry to... a confused realisation, as the words sink in.

She slowly turns away from Asuka in order to look down at her own reflection in the pond beside her. What was looking back was the form of a monster, the monster she chose to be.
Maybe she really was terrified of Asuka, and maybe even the others in Juudai's life, because they had identities beyond one goal. Always evolving, always changing...
She thought back to Shian's words about being too used to the idea of being a 'protector' and nothing else and how she should just try and ... communicate more with others, to see where it leads.

Though most people would run from her in her current form.

But this was the form she chose to be. She voluntarily stripped herself of her humanity and individuality when she did and it gave her a deep and uncomfortable feeling to think of even wanting to gain even a small amount of that back. For wanting to learn and experience things beyond that. For... thinking she should change, as those around herself and Juudai change.

She slowly reached out and touched the surface of the water with a clawed finger, making the surface ripple.*

Is it... natural to feel guilt if you wish to do something for yourself, but all you've ever known is dedication to another?
Is it natural to feel like you are abandoning your position for even thinking that way?

Probably? It's not a one-to-one. But. I think I get what you're talking about, albeit in a different way.

I felt... extremely anxious choosing to be a teacher over going to become a Professional Duelist. That I was somehow letting my female classmates down, by choosing something more... domestic? Feminine? Those are both wrong words to use.

But I was afraid I wasn't living up to the view everyone had of me. And it frankly kind of still does?

I see. So you felt fear for choosing a different path, over the path you felt others expected of you.

*She lets out a small sigh.*

I guess to help my own feelings of guilt and fear I should probably just... talk to Juudai about this, hm?

Yes, basically, on both accounts.

Then I will talk to him, but I'll give everything we have discussed some thought first.

*With that, she stands up from where she had been sat.*

I will not keep you any longer, but...

...thank you. For being willing to talk with me.

This... went better than I expected it to.
I feel some weight was lifted.

Edited 2018-07-31 18:30 (UTC)

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danse_etoile - 2018-07-31 18:33 (UTC) - Expand